What do you call a bottle of glue in a spy’s pocket? A bonding agent.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

“Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?” “Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first…filter.”

Paid a homeless guy $1 for this: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? (They will always say “arrrrrrhh.”) Nope, P, it’s like arrrrrrhh without a leg.

To those that say I’m Cancer I’m not Cancer, I’m Aquarius!

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it. Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook? Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Why do terrorists hate wine? Because there are too many zinfandel’s.

What do you call a clingy, moody scientist? A dependent variable

Billy Mays so good He once sold pain to Chuck Norris.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.