I’m surprised Microsoft didn’t resurrect Bing Crosby to counter Google’s ad.

When I found out that my girlfriend was a vegan… I pretended I’d never met herbivore.

3 tomatoes are walking down the street A dad tomato, a mom tomato and a child tomato. The child starts to lag behind so, the dad walks back to him and squashes him and says “ketchup”

What kinds of guns do T-Rex’s prefer? …mainly SMALL ARMS.

Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.

As seen on a masonry truck Cement shop robbed, police investigators find no concrete evidence

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh- *quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

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[hospital] SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened? DAD: The oying hit me SON: What’s an oying? DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*