Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her Bill becomes President!

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria. Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Why won’t hipsters listen to the Beatles until Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney die? Because they only want to listen to the Beatles when they’re underground (Taken from Cyanide and Happiness comics)

I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night. The performance was a little wooden.

If you really want to fuck a vampire.. then i’d say you’re down for the count

My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed… I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, “having an existential cry, sis?”

What dat mouf do 😉

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? Sorry, I was just laid by a hot chick….it’s going to take me a while to get hard again.

They say playing video games is a waste of time, but I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when bagging my own groceries.