I work at an investment firm We got a new CIO to head up the Agriculture/Farm investment team. He reports to the EIEIO.

Pros don’t ever use the Tip.

Q: How does Hitler tie his shoes? A: With little Nazis.

I love that we’re a nation of diversity: a black president, a white vice president, and an orange speaker of the house. #SOTU

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA!

COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party. ME: *lying* I also have friends.

What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroking Off!

After giving up crack, I’ve been sniffing brake fluid for months. It’s okay – I can stop anytime I want.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a pedophile and 6 has children.

Why did the fork go to the party? It wanted to have a good tine.