Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She was not wearing a seatbelt…

Tripler’s Dating Tips 20/50: hide a tape recorder in your pocket with a laugh track on it and press play after every single thing you say

I lost my mood ring earlier today… I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I was playing guitar then my 2 year old took my guitar pick and dropped it somewhere. “Where is my pick,” I said. He replied “Oink Oink! ” I repeated the question but got the same answer every time.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.” Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

I thought I would be proud of sealing all the Christmas cards myself But the whole ordeal just left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for… During a practice run he caused negative results. Apparently he wasn’t what the suicide hotline was looking for.

Why did the Muslim cross the road? To get to the bigger crowd