[me trying to do magic] Is this your card? “No” Is THIS your card? “Not even close” What about THIS? “Trent thats literally a piece of ham”

I have a rape joke. Never mind, it’s a bit forced.

Reason why I’m single… Because it’s impossible to be double.

What did the man who invented the bum shaking machine realize when he turned it on? It twerked.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card …I’d have $0.77 cents.

One of those trendy avant chefs offered to cook me whale today. I said, please don’t… That would make me blubber!

My wife and I do it doggy-style… …she plays dead and I beg. -Dan Chopin

Breakdown of time spent cleaning my office: 5% Cleaning 95% Studying long forgotten artifacts of my past

What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts!