I like my women like I like my wine…. Nine years old and locked in my basement.

My wife is so sweet Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.

There’s an entire group of white people who believe the most cultured thing you can do is decorate your home with weird Asian themed stuff.

I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today. It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.

What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.

I had small wookiee steak for dinner… …it was a little chewie.

What is the fastest way to lose pounds? Leave EU.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopuss.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt