What’s white, big and could kill you if it fell out of a tree? A fridge.

Oh no! Playstation and Xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

Why are ships’ portholes round? So that if they break, water doesn’t hit you square in the face.

My girlfriend had a sexual fantasy to roleplay as a 14 year old in bed. I think it’s pretty gross. Besides, she’ll be 14 in 2 years anyway.

A man shows up to his psychiatrist completely naked but covered with saran wrap… Psychiatrist says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts!”

It’s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV.

What is a pirates favorite letter? You think it’d be R, but his true love is the C.

Lesbian Couple A girl asked me what my view on lesbian couples was. Apparently “in HD” wasn’t the right answer.

Relationship Status: Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board. I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.