Just thought of one: Why is an abortionist good to have on your team? If you conceive something, they can execute it.

James calls a doc for help… Doctor my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now. Doctor: Is this her first child? James: Nope. It’s her husband!

What’s a paralympian’s worst nightmare? Testing positive for WD-40

Why did the hipster burn its tongue? Beacuse he drank the coffee before it was Cool

Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

Back in my day, Nintendo Wii meant you peed your pants because you wouldn’t move for hours playing Super Mario Bros.

I thought the author of Harry Potter was a guy. J.K.

I’ve tried all week long and still haven’t been able to teach this baby how to Dougie. Does anyone know the return policy in these things?

Whenever someone well known dies, social networks turn into an online obituary. #DontActLikeYouCare, @MaleHonesty86

Why are assholes always more successful than you? Because they make shit happen.