What kind of batteries do stuttering Canadians use? Triple Eh’s.

I like to date intelligent girls who are taller than me. It keeps me on my toes.

I spilled spot remover on my dog Now he’s gone.

Why do cannibals prefer to eat blind people? Because with one sense gone they taste really good. Sorry, that was wrong… they taste really well.

Donald Trump and I agree on one thing. We both would like to bang his daughter.

I want to be part of the 27 club I’m just DYING to get in.

My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century. It was a period piece

Tip for twitter newbies: Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?