Why are native americans the best strippers? Because when they dance they make it rain.

Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.

Stephen Harper lost the Canadian election. He was given aboot.

I just downloaded more RAM… …but I still can’t play No Man’s Sky.

Things I know I cannot do but still try to: 1. Cartwheel 2. Hit the high note 3. Move things with my mind 4. Eat ‘just one’ 5. Be Cool

Me: Dad, am I adopted? Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

What do George Michael and Carrie Fisher have in common? Both their first names have six letters. That’s it. For now. Edit: they’re both dead.

A man is asked why he can’t see the Fifty Shades of Gray movie… He replies, “I’m color blind and can only see 36 of them.”

I before E, except after C, or when sounding like A in words like neighbor and weigh. **Weird…**

Don’t compare whales to feminists… It’s very offensive to whales