So I organized a threesome last night…. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.

Whenever I’m down in the dumps, I get myself new clothes. They smell a little bit but at least they’re free.

What did the shower say to the toilet? “You may get more ass than I do, but look at all the shit you have to take”.

[NSFW] What does a vagina and the weather have in common? When its wet its time to go inside

Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.

A dog runs for senator… He has no previous experience in pawlitics

Since my girlfriend discovered out the eyeroll and tongue sticking emojis she doesn’t have to type words anymore.

What’s the difference between a weasel and a stoat? A weasel is weasily recognised and a stoat is stoatally different!

A man tried to sell me a coffin today I told him that was the last thing I needed.

Me: What are you up to? Her: I’m making Chinese. Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.