Why did the stoner put laxatives in the pot brownies? For shits and giggles

Me:*looks up from phone* Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench. Family: M: Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Tim Cook officially came out of the closet… at least this is the one time when Android users can’t claim that theirs came out first.

People say I’m not good with Greek Mythology… I guess that it’s my Achilles wrist.

I got aids in prison.. Hearing aids. I should’ve used them though, I might’ve been able to hear the guy that snuck up on me in the shower and gave me HIV.

What’s the difference between a Mexican and an elevator? One can raise a child.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

A salmon that jumps on the hook for ya http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdAoQvqh7eY

What’s the difference between a 1950s mental asylum and my fridge? One’s filled with fruits and vegetables, the other’s my fridge.