The phrase “This shit is bananas” probably originated from the guy who had to clean out the monkey cage at the zoo.

What did the great Ape shout to the pilots who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper? Listen hotshots don’t monkey around with me!

Yeah, America is the so called “land of the free”, but you try to bring a monkey on board the plane and suddenly everyone’s all about rules.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

I was reading in the paper… And I read about some midget that got pick pocketed. I thought to myself, “Who could stoop so low?”

[marriage counselling] Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio Me: I don’t, over Her: It’s over Me: It’s what? Over

If my dog could talk he’d say “You hang up first…”

I like my hot wings like I like my Holy Infants… …tender and mild.

I used to do drugs i still do, but i used to to. -Mitch rip the legendary Mitch Hedberg