I have a friend whose fetish is cashews. He’s fucking nuts.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

“Have you heard about the new pirate movie?” “It’s rated aaarrrrrrrr.”

Why are black people so fast? Because all the slow ones are in prison

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

A man gets into an accident in which both his ring fingers are cut off. Needless to say, his wife was shocked.

I dated an hermaphrodite… It was an “hermaphrodate”

50,000 battered women in America every year.. and I’ve been eating mine plain this whole time.

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage] I’ll take your finest orphan. “Sir, we can’t just give-” Here’s $50mil. “Do you like boy acrobats?”

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.