Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne? Superman: Um obviously. Batman: Think about that for a second.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? A-tyre

JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job? DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

The reason the earth’s core is hot Is because my mixtape is so underground

If I bought a balloon for $0.99… How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

Cashier: Cute kid, how old? Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What’s my total? Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes. #cashierlife

The news from Australia yesterday was terrifying That poor Muslim guy, I’d hate to be trapped in a room full of Australians too.

What do you get a man who has everything? storage

What’s the difference between a skeptic and a conspiracy theorist? You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.