I have a nightlight flashlight…I can only see in the dark for 2 seconds in 10 second intervals

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

What do you call a white person wearing glasses while playing Yu-Gi-Oh? Four eyes white dragon. ^sorry if repost, thought of this myself.

Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of a place she went to in the past with a caption that says “take me back

Don’t reply to nuclear reactors that say they’re ugly. They’re just fission for compliments.

Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.

A man arrives home and was absolutely delighted when he saw that someone had stolen every single lamp from his house

My neighbour is singing under the shower again. Luckily, i can’t hear her through my binoculars.

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep… 1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!

How do circumcision doctors get paid? In tips.