Where did the man with an undecorated yard put his spare change? His Hedge Fund.

it might be a handjob for her… but it’s a career for me.

How does the pig farmer get to the fair? He rides piggyback.

“Will I ever live in a clean house again?” *shakes magic 8 ball *magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess

I’ve noticed… I’ve noticed, if you’re scared of spiders they always turn up in your bedroom. So by using that logic… I’m scared of blonde girls with big boobs.

Coughing problems -My wife is constantly coughing. We have tried everything and nothing helps. -Have you tried weed? -Yes, she is coughing and laughing.

Pinocchio was going down on his GF, she started yelling lie to me, lie to me. Pinocchio:” i love you”!

It’s hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don’t rhyme.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!