A comedian is called to the IRS… …they tell him he owes more taxes. He says, “Why?” They say, “Because we appreciated your humor.”

i dont care what anyone says, i dont have a follow up statement i just dont care what anyone says.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now. *lawyers start discussing lawyer things* *I go outside and swing on the swingset*

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.

What is your mom’s favorite animal? Macaque.

What do you call an Optomitrist who is very highly thought of in his community? Respectacle

The man who created knock knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize.

So 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

My Girlfriend Called Me A Pedophile… I said: “That’s an awfully big word for a 6 year old!”

Why are double amputees always wrong? Because they don’t have a leg to stand on. Note: I’m a right leg amputee and I made this up myself.