Sometimes people want to have full conversations really early in the morning and it’s okay to kill those people.

What’s the diffrence between a girl in a church and a girl in a bath? The girl in a church has a soul full of hope and the girl in a bath has, well… EDIT: better structure.

[Sahara desert] Me: *shares canteen* Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out* Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

What’s 9 inches long, purple, and I love to shove it down my girlfriend’s throat? Her miscarriage.

“Were you in Paris on your vacation?” “I don’t know my wife got the tickets.”

My dad thought it would be a good idea to show my girlfriend my baby photos. “You haven’t changed at all.” she laughed. “That’s enough of the naked ones, please.” I told him.

Did you hear about that fire at the circus?! I heard it was in tents!

Why are waiters terrible pornstars? They only want the tip

Here’s to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life’s problems.

[Robot Uprising] Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you? Robot: I am a counting machine Human: Oh thank g Robot: Now killing human #53822