I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

That awkward moment when sluts hate on other sluts for being sluts.

I feel like a lot of single women have been naming their cats Adele this year.

Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test? Because its period came too late.

Do you know what they feed you at Guantanamo Bay? Well after being there for 30 years, neither do I!

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his plates? In Iraq.

What’s Bill Clinton’s drug of choice? Blow.

Have you heard that all the buses and trains are stopping today? No. Is there a strike? No they’re stopping to let the passengers off.

So I caught my dog chewing on a tree yesterday. He said the bark was really rough.

GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again