I never warn my wife before I pull the anal beads out.. I like starting the mower on the first tug.

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?” My six year old: “Crab!”

What did the “O” call the Zero? Weirdo!

*Tries to go into debt* DEBT: I have a boyfriend

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause it’s cheaper than a smoke alarm.

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ? A teddy boar !

How many animals can fit into a pair of pantyhose? Ten pigs, two calves, one beaver, and an ass.

My dentist isn’t racist. He has loads of plaque friends.

Why wouldn’t Samus go below Brinstar? Because she was a-Kraid to. Now I think about it, this joke is a bit more “Riddle-y,” than say an actual joke.

What do you call an detective’s glasses? Inspectacles