4 out of 5 dentists agree, that 5th dentist is an asshole.

How do you guarantee that your wishes always come true? Wish for something that is already true.

A man buys a house The guy he buys it from says “we printed out the deed but didn’t have paper so we printed it on this plank of wood, will that be okay?” “That wooden deed”

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

(accidentally invented when heard words out of context) What kind of food did Hitler eat? Notseafood

What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off? Aw shucks!

So I, (male) have a Girlfriend with a schoolgirl fantasy… The only problem is…I fell uncomfortable wearing the dress. Stole from the office. S3E21

I avoid making friends by being honest with people

Interview joke Interviewer: What is your name, and what do you do for a living Bank Robber: I’m Robin Banks

Chuck Norris can speak braille.