[NYE] ME: *wearing 2017 glasses* OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy Story so that they knew I was on to them.

How does a Russian catch fish? A niet!

What do you get when you mix a bulldog and a shih tzu? Bullshit. Works better if you say it out loud.

Astrid was a victim of ID theft Now she has to go get a new one.

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G

I like putin The rest of the joke down here

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off