If you say “gullible” very slow, it sounds like “butterflies”

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad… I think its time for USB.

LPT: If someone brings in home baked goods to say goodbye after being let go, don’t eat them. I used laxatives.

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Teacher: Fill out the parent form. Me: Why? Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble. Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like “hey thanks” and I’m like “I’m just happy to be a part of this nice community”

Teacher and John Teacher: John. Give me a sentence beginning with “I”. Paul: I is the… Teacher: No, John . You must say “I am” not “I is.” John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Video Games made me do it. Rock n’ Roll made me do it. Witches made me do it. Satan made me do it. – a short history of responsibility

Why did the bowling pins stop working? They went on strike!

Why was the cookie monster arrested for computer hacking??? He was in possession of all the “COOKIES”