Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

Jesus tells Peter, “Come forth and you shall have eternal glory!” Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.

I used to be addicted to soap but I’m clean now.

A boy goes to his parents to tell them something “Mom, Dad. I’m gay.” His father then turns to him and says “Hi Gay, I’m 100 Dollars Richer!”, while recieving money from the mom.

Pink Panther’s TODO list 1. TODO 2. TODO 3. TODO TODO TODO TODO TODOOO

How do you communicate with a fish? You drop it a line!

I was the second man on the moon Neil before me

Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.

911 What’s your emergency Me: I’m calling to complain about the quality of this cocaine 911: The police are on their way Me: Thanks

Dark humor is like kids with cancer… Never gets old