What do you get if you cross a telephone with a night crawler? Ringworm!

The rest of the world should fear our military. We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

what do you call a sad ditch? a depression.

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes… …I told him to lighten up.

Describe myself in 4 words? Bad at counting.

Why was the motorcycle going so slow? Because it was two tired!

Q: Why don’t matches play baseball? A: One strike, and they’re out.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. Back to having zero haters, feels good.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Why did the Chicken cross road? With rice.