What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn’t go apeshit and stalk me for years when I put a couple of loads in it.

Hey online media: “Comfortability” isn’t a word. The noun you’re looking for is “comfort.” And it doesn’t need you to give it a fancy hat.

Wanna hear a joke? Your life

[in ambulance] “Can you describe the snake that bit you?” Yes it was like an angry rope

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant… Mom: Cant what?! D: She cant even. She literally cannot even. M: *single tear falls*

Two topics which should never be in the same sentence “Zika” “Can I get a little head”

Why don’t people like talking about herpes? It’s a sore subject.

Worry: a waste of imagination.

How is eating a girl out like being a member of the mafia? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit!

“listen up, I’m only going to show you this once!” ~ suicide bomber teacher.