I got caught making out with my cousin once – mum and dad went mental. In my defence we were just kids, and there was an awful lot of alcohol at her funeral.

What do Pentecostals and Nudists have in common? Neither can wear pants

What did the overweight woman say to Buffalo Bill when she woke up? I can’t feel my face when I’m with you…

Why is Santa’s sack so full? Because he only comes once a year.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

I call my genitalia the Severance Package… After its seen it usually ends relationships.

What do you get when you have Tiger Woods, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Johnson in the same room? An Animal, a Vegetable, and a Mineral.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair… Me: Yes, baby Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.