Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.

What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce? Chicken caesar salad

Did you know that yeast cells are incestuous? They’re in-bread.

A guy came up to me in the gym. “How the hell did you get a body like that?” he asked. “Thanks,” I said, “That’s very flattering.” He said, “Not really mate.”

When I was young I used to poke holes in my parent’s condoms so that there could be someone else to do the dishes.

In my 4th grade class the cutest girl threw away my love letter.. ..so I failed her!

What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.

People really hate my cheesy puns… but I’m quite fondue of them.

I was playing Words with Fiends I scored 50 points for using all my runes, but summoned Pazuzu.

My friend’s dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said “what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”