Whoever stole my dildo can go fuck themselves.

UGH now I just painted an amazing picture but accidentally painted a thumb in the corner

Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.

What do you call 40 mexicans standing in your yard holding hands? Spicket fence.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Aaron ! Aaron who ! Aaron the barber’s floor !

What is the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can’t jelly my dick down your throat.

Why didn’t Hitler drink tequila? Because it made him mean.

It’s been raining so much, I have begun the construction on my Ark. If you need any help I Noah guy.

Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better. Bartenders.. Those people are called bartenders

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.