I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

a priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench… the priest sees some kids playing nearby. he leans over to the rabbi points and says “how about we screw them” the rabbi says “out of what?”

I like my women like I like my milk… White, with 2% fat.

Someone said you sound like an owl. Who?

My jokes are like hot chicks Hard to get, and when you do they are not anywhere near as good as you thought they would be

You all know why Hurricane Matthews is so bad Well unlike Katrina its a guy

Boss: Tell me a joke Me: I am busy Boss: Good one!! Tell me another

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Why couldn’t Spongebob get a mortgage? Because his house was underwater.

What do you call a blind dinosaur? An Idontthinkhesaurus.