Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

It’s always I before E Except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

[At the Rumble] her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels* me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

What happened to the octopus in the football game? He had tentackles.

What do white supremacists drink at their rallies? White Powerade

A freind of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He’s making land-mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb I said, “Awww, are you an orphan”? He said, “Yes, what gave me away?” I said, “Your parents.”

I asked Roy Hodgson if he would consider 4-4-2 next week. He said, “No, we’ll probably go 7-4-7 it’s wider and offers more leg room.”

My dad’s favorite joke for some reason… What’s black, white, red, and can’t turn around in an elevator? … A nun with a javelin through her head.