Who answers the Crime Stoppers Hotline? Stymied Coppers

[speed dating] Me: Periods. Her: Huh? Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside? Her: In the US or the UK? Me: Let’s get married.

What are Mario’s overalls made out of DENIM DENIM DENIM

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his soup before it was cool

You made an imprint on my heart like a big butt on a memory foam mattress.

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.

I asked my mother if I could have some cloth to give to the nuns. She said, “Fine, just don’t let it become a habit”

Q: How many UPM’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None! If you’d just make it a day exterior we wouldn’t be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!”

Two olives are pals, and they’re hanging from the tree like they’vebeen for months. Suddenly, one falls to the ground. The remainingone says, “Are you ok?” And the other replies, “Olive!”