If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

When asked what it was like getting over a Viagra addiction my buddy said,”Well my first few days were the hardest.”

I made a huge mistake I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I’ve been lying to her for years.

How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family.

Why did the lizard go on a diet ? It weighed too much for its scales !

Why do anarchists smell so bad? Because they’re *revolting*

Why are pigs such early risers? Did you ever try to shut off a rooster?

The first rule of relationships: You don’t find out why someone was available until it’s too late.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

“Can I touch it?” A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, “Can I touch it?” He answers, “No way — you already broke yours off!”