I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”

The 3 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work.. if you have a 2 second dog

I’ll never read pride & prejudice I’m way to good to get into a book that probably goes all preachy on me

I broke up with my girlfriend on a ski trip Our relationship was going downhill.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it’s pretty obvious that Americans don’t breed well in captivity.

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

Since we’re talking about Michael Jackson— What did the guy say to MJ at the beach? Get out of my son.

use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying