How do you keep a vegan from eating all your dairy? Invite two of them.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

If you had sex 365 times in one year and melted the rubbers down to make a tire, what would you call it? A fucking Goodyear! ! !

I’ve just found a Christmas present for my daughter in the loft. I’ll take it up to her later.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a bad skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

How do you get a Jewish girls number? Roll up her sleeve.

We could make the world much greener this #earthday if we simply banned red and blue

What was the best time in history for the Italians? The Marin-era