[God creating beards] ADAM: God, I don’t like my face. GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes. ADAM: What? That’s not GOD: Done.

Why did the atheist go to church? To use the Pokestop.

NASA confirms, life found on mars.

Lord, protect me from my friends, I can take care of my enemies.

*goes down on one knee* One Knee: I have a girlfriend

How to get a girl to like you: 1. Become a lion tamer 2. Release a lion on her 3. Tame it right before it kills her 4. Take her to Chili’s?

What is worse than waking up with your dick in your mouth after sleeping with your gf? Waking up with her dick in your mouth

Why does Donald Trump like free haircuts? Because he doesn’t have toupee.

I went to the psychiatrist today I told him that I have started hearing voices. He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

What’s the perfect name for a salon run by a couple of lesbian nuns? Scissor Sisters *ba-dum-tiss*