Friday night plans *break into plastic surgeon’s office *put goldfish in the silicone implants *sneak away undetected *giggle like a maniac

Dark humor is a bit like food. Not everyone gets it.

What do you call a french lesbian? A tresbien

What does a man with five dicks wear? Pants that fit like a glove.

Good Cop: Book ’em. Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

My friends think I should stop telling jokes because my punchlines are always shit. Shit.

The most maddening part of your parents giving you annoying advice is that they’re usually right.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

What’s the Best Way To Embarrass A Psychic On Their Birthday? Throw Them A Surprise Party.

I was at a gas station and I accidentally filled up my escort with diesel. She died.