Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers. We are maid for each other.

The versatile gay actor wanted to be cast in both “A Christmas Carol” and “A Midsummer Nights Dream” So he could be both a Bottom and a Topper.

If your nose runs and your feet smell… You might be upside down. Heard from “The Sopranos”

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets” -Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later” -Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

My wife just dropped her keys & said “What’s WRONG with me?” & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.

Do you like dragons? Because I’ma be dragon my balls across your forehead.

How many Spanish people does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster.

How did Jared lose 150lbs? He kicked two 7-year-olds out of his bed.

Just give me a sec. I’m still waiting for IE8 to open a new tab. A blank tab. Waiting… Still waiting… There it is.