What do you get when David Lynch directs a remake of The Godfather? Someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand.

*sees Salvation Army bell ringer* “Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!” “Sir, we don’t accept children.” *runs away*

McDonald’s is like if Ke$ha were a restaurant.

“Ok Noah, that’s 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?” Nope “Yea I did, it had lipstick on?” Nope, raise the anchor

What sort of transport does a sheep use? A ewe-nicycle

I tried to find out why my cat kept licking itself… turns out its actually quite tasty.

Why didn’t the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!

So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? “Bob hurt one bird. He’s very sorry.”

My grandfather, my mom, and my siblings all have diarrhea. Runs in the family.

I scream, you scream, we all scream… The ice cream man kidnapped us; please send help.