Dentist: when was the last time you flossed? Me: bro, you were there.

My favorite element is Helium I can’t speak highly enough of it

Santa is always jolly, he knows where the naughty girls live.

How do the Chinese name their kids? They throw silverware down the stairs.

How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

There’s nothing more awkward than… There’s nothing more awkward than throwing a surprise party for a psychic.

How to impress your ex: 1. Get rich 2. Get more attractive 3. Get a tiger 4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That’s not funny.

What has two thumbs and got laid last night? My hands.

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry