*calls boss* Me: I can’t come to work. Boss: Why not? Me: Gotham city needs me. Boss: …You’re not Batman. Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

How much money do hookers with shallow vaginas make? Just the tips.

“Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?” is just not as challenging since she started using foursquare.

Why can’t Jewish people view pornography?? Because watching people porkin’ just ain’t Kosher! Wakakakaka

Why do Little People hate the taste of alcohol? Because they can’t reach the top shelf.

What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

WIFE: What did you just do? CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason* ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

What do you call a cheap hooker’s snatch? Death Valley.

I do my women like I do my homework I don’t

I hate people who make cancer jokes. They have no sense of tumor.