The definition of Halloween: Halloween: the holiday when children vandalize your yard with toilet paper, then are rewarded with candy the next day.

What’s the worst trick you can do to your blind brother? Leave the plunger in the pot.

What is a pedophile’s favourite pair of shoes? White vans.

If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.

What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child’s paternity test came back? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna!

Walks into a room – A doctor walks into a patient’s room …and decides to update the chart. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a thermometer and says “Great! What asshole has my pen?”

I cut my finger on a beer can last night. Now I know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

I said to my girlfriend, “Please get me a newspaper.” “Don’t be silly,”she replied, “you can borrow my iPad.” That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

Two goldfish are in a tank… One turns to the other and says: “You man the guns, I’ll drive”