Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

What does Subway and a Hollywood Tranny have in common? Both offer $5 dollar Foot Longs I’ll be here all week cause my car broke down by the shakeys next the aqueduct

A three-legged dog sits down at the bar Orders a whiskey. Bartender asks,”What brings you to these parts?” Dog responds,”Lookin for the sonofabitch who shot my paw.’

Why did the duck cross the basketball court? He heard the referees were blowing fouls… -Jim Norton

What does heroin make you feel like? More heroin.

Do you whats amazing? Spiderman

What do you call a WWII battle that finished it’s senior year at communism school? Leningrad

An Irishman walks out of a bar…. What? It could happen.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers please!”

If your watch is broken why can’t you go fishing? Because you don’t have the time.