Knock Knock Who’s there ? Chest ! Chest who ? Chest-nuts for sale !

I’ve been told I’m not ambitious enough… If only there was an Olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.

When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?”

hey Liam Neeson is your “particular set of skills” gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?

What’s the difference between your mom and a washing machine? If I dump a load in a washing machine it doesn’t follow me around for the next few weeks.

Did you hear about the man from the experimental group that was arrested? He was out of control.

what do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! 😀

A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.

I steal candy bars using slight of hand… You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.