Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich! Judge: What? M: I plead insanity. J: You’re a juror. Me: Can I go? J: No. M: OBJECTION!

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

John Boehner is lucky Pope Francis didn’t splash any holy water on him. He wouldn’t have been crying. He would have burst into flames.

Shaq just described himself as a geek. The word has officially lost all meaning,

What does Donald Trump play most of the time? President Evil.

What did the slutty DNA say to the other DNA? Unzip your genes.

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training. Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

What is Spider-Man’s favorite rice? Uncle Bens!

What happened to the blind circumcisor? He got the sack.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.