Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

My ex has made me dinner.. *gives a bit to the dog first*

just read an article about the horrible effects of binge drinking and fuck that im never reading again

What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike? Look ma, no hands!

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

How does one sink, that which floats? How does one sync, that which floats? Well, we type case the variable to make sure that both sides of the equation are of type, floats.

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ? My pop is bigger than yours !

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

Bad jokes are like farts… ….better to let them pass.

I can’t understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.