Hope nobody has a video of me trying to get the fourth corner of a fitted sheet over the mattress.

Just been sacked from my job as a chef for stealing I’ve always been a whisk taker.

What’s the funniest type of Mexican food? Fajitahahahas

Q: What food diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.

*trains 1 million soldier ants* *gets carried to work*

Why be fake when being real takes no effort at all?

A murderer sitting in the electric chair was about to be executed. “Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. “Yes” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

What do you call a dragon that can’t sit still? A wiggle wyrm.

What do you call a kangaroo who chases rock stars to have sex with them? A kangaroupie.

Two Heads God gifted man with two heads, but only enough blood to run one at a time.