I remember this from a Monty Python “My dog has no nose!” Says one man. His friend asks “well how does he smell?” “Stinky!”

What do you call a guy who fucks himself? [Ethan Hawke](http://i.imgur.com/tXrW7HU.jpg).

I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandad did. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

I did a theatrical performance on puns… It was a play on words. I’ll let myself out.

I had a crazy dream last night that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. When I woke up I was, like, 0mg!

To be a hipster is to live in constant suffering You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it’s cool.

Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?

How do you make your wife scream during sex? You call and tell her about it.

How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 5 Step 8, 9, 10

I like a lot of different kinds of breakfast, but I only eat one at a time. I’m a cereal monogamist.